Summertime sick leave

Finally feel over my summertime sick leave...dealing with bouts of shingles
and various respiratory issues.

While I was home, I started thinking about the nature of motivation and why
some people seemingly have it and others (a.k.a. - me) don't.
I've asked people in my life what gave them the impetus to do certain major things in their lives/overcome obstacles and mostly I get the answer "Well there is no impetus, I just did it".

I find this irritatingly simplistic. My little brain thinks there must be
some formula behind why/how they do what they do. There have been precious few times in my life where I have simply just done something for the sake of doing it. I typically have a dialogue running in my head that tells me why I might want to exchange blessed inactivity for the suspicious practice of action. Inherent in this is that I put a high premium on the maximization of inactivity...so there has to be a pretty strong impetus for me to forgo it.

Driving forces most often include aversion and avoidance. I have many
aversions, intense dislikes (the list is endless and to be covered in
another blog). If by some action on my part I can stay clear of (avoid)
these specific dislikes, then I'll choose action. Money is sometimes a
motivator as well but it has it's limitations. A considerable amount of
money is a stronger motivator than say $2, $10 or even $200 bucks. Large
amounts of money can buy additional leisure so the trade off is fairly easy
to make. Smaller amounts are sometimes simply not worth the effort.

Another big motivational force in my life are likes. Things that make me
happy, laugh, feel good. Again, the trade off of inertia for likes is
fairly easy and straightforward.

The problem though is that most decisions to action are not straightforward
of course, they are fraught with nuance and contravening backstories. And
this I think is ultimately what gets me into trouble. Oft times when faced
with such conflicting issues, my internal decision tree immediately
categorizes the confused and uncomfortable state of conflict as an
aversion. An aversion which is, ironically, avoided not by action but via
my favorite pastime, inaction. Someone once said, "Sometimes no decision,
is a decision." While that's quite a simplification, it is regrettably
more what I resemble to those who get to know me. The 'No Decision/No
Action' dyad is not a dynamic choice but a way to banish conflicts (to
where? probably that stack of paper gathering dust in the corner...)
which by definition, erodes my ability to enjoy inaction. But employing
such a strategy provides only temporary relief at best. Because life is so
complex, ambiguous, the dodge is overused; misused. I often lapse into
such deep stases; one would think I've gone into hibernation.

It's one of the larger character flaws I possess. Rather shameful really.
It's been problematic in every major relationship (romantic or otherwise)
I've ever had.

Hmmm...that should be motivation enough to change, shouldn't it?